有个糟糕父母是什么体验？
lousy parents, in my experience, are like a constant, lowgrade hum of anxiety. It’s not always dramatic meltdowns or overt neglect, though those exist. It’s often more insidious, a slow erosion of your selfworth, a persistent feeling of not being quite good enough, no matter what you do.
Imagine this: you’re a kid, and you bring home a report card with straight A’s. Instead of pride or praise, you get a shrug. “That’s what you’re supposed to do,” or worse, “Why aren’t they A+’s?” Suddenly, your achievement feels like a failure. The validation you craved is nowhere to be found. Instead, you’re left with a gnawing doubt – was it really that good?
Or consider a time you’re excited about something, a new hobby, a friend you’ve made, a dream you’ve dared to voice. You excitedly share it with your parents, hoping for a spark of interest, a word of encouragement. What you get is dismissal. “That’s a waste of time,” or “You’ll never be good at that.” It’s like they actively try to dim your light, to clip your wings before you even have a chance to fly. This constant belittling makes you question your own judgment, your own passions. You start to believe that your interests are trivial, that your dreams are foolish.
Emotional availability is a foreign concept. When you’re hurting, when you’re scared, when you’re confused, seeking comfort from them is like trying to get water from a stone. They might offer platitudes, but they rarely truly see you, hear you. You learn to internalize your pain, to put on a brave face because the alternative is being met with indifference, or worse, being told you’re being dramatic or oversensitive. This teaches you that your emotions are inconvenient, that they’re better kept hidden. You become adept at compartmentalizing, at presenting a version of yourself that won’t burden them.
And the boundaries? What boundaries? They might be overly involved in every aspect of your life, making decisions for you, dictating your choices, or conversely, they might be completely absent, leaving you to fend for yourself from an age when you still needed guidance and protection. It's a perpetual state of uncertainty about where your space ends and theirs begins, or if there's even a space that's truly yours.
Then there’s the manipulation. Not always overt, but present. Guilt trips are a common currency. “After all I’ve done for you…” or “We sacrificed so much, and this is how you repay us?” It’s a way of keeping you tethered, of making you feel perpetually indebted, obligated to cater to their needs and desires, even at the expense of your own wellbeing.
This kind of upbringing can leave deep scars. As an adult, you might find yourself constantly seeking external validation, craving the approval you never received. You might struggle with selfesteem, battling an inner critic that sounds eerily like your parents. Building healthy relationships can be a challenge, as you might unconsciously repeat patterns, or be overly wary of vulnerability. Trust issues are almost a given. You might secondguess your own worth, wonder if you’re truly capable of love or success, because the people who were supposed to unconditionally support you, instead made you feel conditional.
It’s a journey of unlearning, of trying to build a secure sense of self from the ground up, piecing together fragments of worth that were never readily offered. It's a constant process of selfdiscovery, of figuring out who you are outside of the shadow of their expectations and criticisms. And sometimes, it’s just the quiet, persistent ache of wishing you’d had parents who saw your potential, celebrated your triumphs, and simply loved you for being you, no strings attached.
Imagine this: you’re a kid, and you bring home a report card with straight A’s. Instead of pride or praise, you get a shrug. “That’s what you’re supposed to do,” or worse, “Why aren’t they A+’s?” Suddenly, your achievement feels like a failure. The validation you craved is nowhere to be found. Instead, you’re left with a gnawing doubt – was it really that good?
Or consider a time you’re excited about something, a new hobby, a friend you’ve made, a dream you’ve dared to voice. You excitedly share it with your parents, hoping for a spark of interest, a word of encouragement. What you get is dismissal. “That’s a waste of time,” or “You’ll never be good at that.” It’s like they actively try to dim your light, to clip your wings before you even have a chance to fly. This constant belittling makes you question your own judgment, your own passions. You start to believe that your interests are trivial, that your dreams are foolish.
Emotional availability is a foreign concept. When you’re hurting, when you’re scared, when you’re confused, seeking comfort from them is like trying to get water from a stone. They might offer platitudes, but they rarely truly see you, hear you. You learn to internalize your pain, to put on a brave face because the alternative is being met with indifference, or worse, being told you’re being dramatic or oversensitive. This teaches you that your emotions are inconvenient, that they’re better kept hidden. You become adept at compartmentalizing, at presenting a version of yourself that won’t burden them.
And the boundaries? What boundaries? They might be overly involved in every aspect of your life, making decisions for you, dictating your choices, or conversely, they might be completely absent, leaving you to fend for yourself from an age when you still needed guidance and protection. It's a perpetual state of uncertainty about where your space ends and theirs begins, or if there's even a space that's truly yours.
Then there’s the manipulation. Not always overt, but present. Guilt trips are a common currency. “After all I’ve done for you…” or “We sacrificed so much, and this is how you repay us?” It’s a way of keeping you tethered, of making you feel perpetually indebted, obligated to cater to their needs and desires, even at the expense of your own wellbeing.
This kind of upbringing can leave deep scars. As an adult, you might find yourself constantly seeking external validation, craving the approval you never received. You might struggle with selfesteem, battling an inner critic that sounds eerily like your parents. Building healthy relationships can be a challenge, as you might unconsciously repeat patterns, or be overly wary of vulnerability. Trust issues are almost a given. You might secondguess your own worth, wonder if you’re truly capable of love or success, because the people who were supposed to unconditionally support you, instead made you feel conditional.
It’s a journey of unlearning, of trying to build a secure sense of self from the ground up, piecing together fragments of worth that were never readily offered. It's a constant process of selfdiscovery, of figuring out who you are outside of the shadow of their expectations and criticisms. And sometimes, it’s just the quiet, persistent ache of wishing you’d had parents who saw your potential, celebrated your triumphs, and simply loved you for being you, no strings attached.
网友意见
你觉得父母傻？其实他们精着呢，真正傻的人是你，孩子！
我曾经为了未来拼搏老被父母扯后腿，讲半天道理撕扯不清，我觉得是父母和时代脱节所以老当猪队友。年纪大了才明白，人家压根不关心你前程是否锦绣，要的就是把你绑在身边能尽孝！人家的目的是自己老有所依，不是孩子鹏程万里！
说父母傻的，其实都是被父爱母爱的洗脑了。真傻得从自己角度看问题，觉得自己委屈了被耽搁了？拜托，你换到父母的利益角度，把自个儿当成一个养老的工具人，你就发现，人家精明的市侩的可怕。
你当他们不知道你委屈？不知道你的选择可以让你自己生活得更好？可是，都依了你，关他们什么事呢？得依了他们才能让他们生活得更好，更开心
你嫁一个家暴男天天被打有什么关系，你离了婚会让他们面上无光。所以，闺女呀，你就忍着，那家夫妻都是这样过来的。呵呵？
你在外闯荡月薪过万逍遥自在，我们老两口养你不是白养了？回来挣三千的，离家近，多好。
你选自己喜欢的专业会活的开心？你光想着开心怎么不想想你爹娘的 面子？你得选一份让我们体面的工作。
你小时候被别的小盆友欺负了我们不分青红皂白打你？把你的玩具送给别的小朋友？傻孩子，打你、东西给别人家孩子才显得我们会做人。你的心里活动哪有我们的人情往来重要。
说父母傻的，请摆正自己的位置。你不过是个意外，是个养老工具人。还傻得真信了父爱如山母爱无私？人家不过是道德绑架你，你还真让人家按那套道德标准来啊？
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